Friday 30 April 2010

From dedicated emploee to gonzo traveller

Well soon the travel blog will begin again as I take off on another great adventure. This time its down the coast on historic highway 101. With my drum in one hand and my anthology of beat poetry in the other I’m going to take off for sunny California. I’m looking forward to trying out the bohemian lifestyle for a little while, surfing couches, experiencing nature, and generally bumming around. This is really the beginning of a summer of travel and personal exploration. In order to preserve a flexible schedule to accommodate a trip to California and a trip to Guatemala, I was forced to put both of my jobs on a temporary and possibly permanent hiatus. It was with mixed feelings that I gave up the life of the employed. Especially in this economy with lots of people desperately seeking work it seemed rather silly to give up work for unknown adventures. But I have been told that life benefits those who take risks and I’m sure that most of us do not look back on our lives and say in our heads, “man, I wish I worked more!” So here’s to owning your own time, and making of it what you will.

Before I once again delve back into gonzo travel writing I want to insert two entries here about the work world. One about the joys of catering and one about the challenges of coaching younguns. So sit back, relax, sip on a cold one, and enjoy.

CATERING

The Governor Hotel sits in the middle of downtown Portland on 11th and Alder, next to a Starbucks and across the street from a cluster of food carts. In front of the main entrance valets dressed in funny suits chat with doormen, who also wear funny suits. It has several dining rooms on the second, third, and fourth floor. Because of the age of the hotel the rooms have names which are suggestive of culture and splendor such as ‘the grand ballroom’ ‘the billiard room’ and ‘the fireside lodge’. Back in the day the hotel was a private club for wealthy men, a place where old white guys would gather to smoke cigars, drink bourbon, and make fun of their wives.

Today the ballrooms in the governor hotel play host to a variety of private parties, all serviced by Jake’s catering, my employer. I work at Jake’s as a caterer, not as a server in the restaurant which is housed in a connecting building. This is an important distinction. While restaurant servers deliver food to a rotating group of different people at the same group of tables every day, caterers work by the party. Each event is different and requires a different level of service, a different room set-up, and a different time table. Unlike servers we do not get cash tips every night. Instead our gratuity is put into our paycheck at the end of each pay cycle. The gratuity rate is not based on our own individual performance but how the company did overall in the last two weeks. Because of this the caterer pays less personal attention to the guests than the server would. We do not introduce ourselves, we do not provide descriptions of the menu, we do not go the extra mile to ensure a wonderful guest experience because, quite frankly, we don’t have to. I’m getting my tip whether you liked my service or not…sucker.

The caterer’s job is simple. Every day we do the same thing with slight variations. I clock in, affix my bowtie to my neck, don my white jacket with ‘Jake’s’ lettering on the chest, and grab a piece of paper stuck on the bulletin board which tells the details of the event I am working on that day. One of the cool things about the job is that I never know what kind of event I am going to be working at on any given day until I grab the Banquet event order sheet. It could be a fundraiser for the college of naturopathic medicine, or a wedding, or an end of the year party for the electrical worker’s union of Oregon, or a wine tasting for the Oregon Pinot Noir society. The most important part of the sheet to look at is the projected start and end time. This is what gives me an idea of what time I am going to get off work that day.

Once we put on our catering duds we pour water, and coffee, and juice. We set glasses and bread rolls on the tables. We outfit service stands with water pitchers, and tea bowls, and extra napkins to cover up dirty dishes (God forbid the guests see a dirty dish). We always have a pre-meal meeting when our manager tells us all about the event and how we should service it. Often our boss, Nong, will enter the room and give us a talk about how this particular event is very important to business and that we have to remember to practice good customer service. In his accented English he will tell us, “It is vewy important that we treat the customer well. That means remembering to serve the lady first, knowing what type of wine you are serving, what type of food we are serving, always serving from the left and pulling dishes from the right.” The worst part of this emphasis on customer service is Nong’s insistence that we offer to dress each customer’s salad. I always feel incredibly silly picking the dressing up off the table and offering it to each guest, as if they are small infants who are incapable of pouring some vinaigrette on their own greens.

After the pre-meal we are sent back out on the floor which is what we call the room that we are serving the meal in. Once the guests arrive we serve the breakfast, or the lunch, or the dinner. We put down plates, fill glasses, clear dishes. We stack up plates in the back, fill up racks with dirty glasses, throw copious amounts of food into the trash. We take a break and enjoy some free grub. Then its back to work. Once the guests are gone we clear out the entire room. We clear out trash and silverware and dishware and glassware. We strip the tablecloths off the tables and vaccum the floor. Sometimes we move in tables or take out tables. Someone brings up the tablecloths and silverware for the next event and we do ‘the set’. This involves preparing the entire room for the next event. Sometimes we don’t have to set for the next event if it won’t be occurring for a few days. This means that we do a ‘stack and vac, pull top linen,’ meaning that we stack up all the chairs, vaccum the floor, and get rid of the top tablecloth, leaving the bottom one on the table. This is the easiest way that events end and on Friday and Saturday night everyone prays for a stack and vac. After the dishes are sent to the dishpit and the back is mopped and everything is cleaned up one of my managers will tell me to take off. At this point I throw my jacket into a hamper, clock out, and leave the Governor.

And that’s it. That’s the job with some slight variation here and there. It’s routinized, largely unthinking work. It’s pretty easy work. There’s a decent amount of downtime, waiting for guests to arrive or finish eating. However, there are some periods of intense physical labour when we carry full plates of food into the room or empty plates out of the room. The trickiest part is paying attention to detail. Making sure that you haven’t forgotten to fill all the creamers on the table, or to check to see how many vegetarians are sitting at your section, or to grab the ketchup the woman requested while you were right in the middle of serving breakfast to people at another table.

The job itself isn’t highly interested or rewarding, but meeting the people who work at Jake’s makes it worth my time to work there. It is an incredibly diverse bunch of folks who work at the Governor. People work there for different reasons. There are people who see catering as a long-term career, there are people who see it as merely a pit-stop on the way to greater things, there are people who do it to pay the bills while they are going to school, there are people for whom it is a fall-back after a failure in another career, and there are people who see it as a trap from which they can never escape. There are the young, the middle aged, and a few of the old. There are Americans, Russians, Iranians, and Africans. There are the pot-heads and the alcoholics, the sweets fiends and the coffee hounds. There are the ecstatic, the bitter, the depressed, the resigned, the lethargic, and the manic. The thing that cracks me up most about the job is that, no matter how hard you work we are all paid the same and get almost the same amount of hours. So much for America being a meritocracy.

Some of my favorite people to work with are the long-term dudes. These are the older guys who have been doing the job for years and will be doing the job for years to come. They have all found ways to carve out happiness in a rather boring, unfulfilling job. One skill they all share is the ability to constantly look like they are working but, at the same time, never exerting too much energy. This is an invaluable skill because we do not have one of those jobs where you are free to relax and shoot the shit with coworkers when there is downtime on the job. Since our labor is not cheap the managers are always looking for ways to cut hours. If you appear to be slacking then they will send you home, or, potentially worse, assign you a menial chore. The strictest captain, (that’s what we call our managers) Victor, is notorious for assigning chores such as scrubbing down all the walls, counters, and sink surfaces with a brush and sudsy water or polishing all the silverware.

While the younger people are working frantically when the pressure is on, loading their trays to the brim with plates and glasses and then standing around not knowing what to do when their tasks are done the older guys pace their work out. The old timers are more likely fill up each tray to about ¾ capacity, knowing that once they clear it off all that’s waiting for them is another tray. The young people always want to finish the job quickly so they can rush off to whatever post work activities they are eager to enjoy. But the older timers realize that rushing is only going to wear you out faster, possibly lead to injury, and result in clocking out earlier and losing money.

One of my favorite co-workers is Phil. He is the catering philosopher. He always gives me tips on the correct way to do things. He can expound on the most banal subjects for an absurd amount of time. Some topics I have discussed with him include: how high to fill the creamers we set out on each table, how to carry water glasses, and how to organize items on your tray. Phil is in his 50’s working as a caterer and getting periodic cash from his mom to pay for health costs, but he thinks that he has it all figured out. Most of the other workers are annoyed by Phil because of his know-it-all ways and his tendency to take forever to do even simple tasks. He will often start with one task, such as setting down forks on a table, and then he will suddenly switch over to setting down plates or glasses instead. But, despite his shortcomings, I like Phil. I enjoy the confident, factual way he presents subjective opinions as objective truth. For instance, after one shift when we were changing into our street clothes he told me:

Well, we got 5 hours today, and that’s good enough. Generally I’m happy with anything over 4 hours. Anything less than that and it’s not worth your time to come down here and work. But 4 hours is enough money.

Phil delivered this statement with a calm assuredness, as if he was delivering the conclusion to a developed dissertation. But the term ‘enough money’ is completely subjective. Who knows what enough money is? That figure depends on the person. If I have tons of student loans, an extravagant lifestyle, or a gang of kids the target of ‘enough’ money is going to be set way higher than if I am a single, moderate individual living alone. But Phil has his system worked out and knows how much he needs to support himself and he assumes that everyone else should take a page out of his book.

Then there’s Hassan, another old-timer. He’s probably in his late 50’s, a dinosaur in an industry that demands a good amount of physical labour and long hours of standing on your feet. Hassan has lead an extremely interesting life. I only get tidbits of his history during lulls in the job so I have to piece his story together, weaving the isolated tales like pieces of a quilt into a cohesive whole. So far I have gleaned that he took part in the first Iranian revolution, he has lived in Russia and Germany, he has backpacked across most of Europe, and he has dated a woman who loves to bike ride in the nude. He is also politically active. One shift I saw him wearing a pin on his lapel and getting others to sign a form. He told me that he was getting signatures to petition the employers at his other catering job to give them a raise and pay them for some hours which had not been paid to them correctly.

My favorite thing about Hassan is his fastidiousness. When he changes clothes after his shift he is always immaculately dressed. He wears cotton wool vests, dress pants, and leather shoes, all the time. He often talks about the value of craftsmanship and how in his country you can buy a pair of individually tailored shoes that are much more comfortable than the factory produced shoes of this country. He also is careful about what he ingests. He loves tea, but only if it is seeped correctly and he enjoys coffee on rare occasions when he has time to prepare it and sit down to enjoy it. He will only drink coffee or tea from metal thermoses. He refuses to use paper cups because of their harm to the environment. Hassan lives at a neat, sedate pace. He enjoys gardening and preparing meals for himself with fresh ingredients. Hassan always seems busy at work. When he’s in the back he’s wiping down surfaces and when he’s on the floor he’s holding a cocktail tray, ready to take garbage from customers. But, he always has time for a chat and he doesn’t ever seem to wear himself out. If Phil is the catering philosopher then Hassan is the catering Buddha.

One of the most colorful employees is Albert. He is a Russian immigrant who speaks with a rolling accent. He is tall and desperately thin. His face is pinched and wrinkled, hair thin and graying. His teeth are a brown and black cobblestoned mess. Once in a while you might pass him in the back hallways and see him staring off into space, a thousand mile gaze in those black eyes. He has been known to kill time at work by riding up and down the elevator over and over again. He lives next to the hotel and will always eat his meals during breaks with lightening speed shoveling food into his mouth so that he has time to run back to his apartment and chain smoke a few cigarettes before his break ends. But, despite his strange demeanor, habits, and character, Albert retains a child-like humor, and a boyish exuberance which shines through his gruesome visage. He always whistles or turns on rock and roll music while we are putting out place settings. He likes to crack jokes and play pranks on coworkers. Albert doesn’t talk much about his life but rumors abound around the kitchen about him. Rumor has it that Albert was once a rock star in Europe. “I used to be the man, man.’ He tells me on one occasion. He has given several of his cds out. One of my favorite song titles on the cd is, “America, fuck you.” Albert will try to make you uncomfortable. He stands too close when he talks to you and he will grab your elbow or lightly poke you in the side on random occasions. He says things in order to be controversial. He asked my coworker Dominique if she knew where he could acquire food stamps. He told me during a shift that his leg was shaking because he drank too much wine the night before

When I worked as a caterer at my college there were only two groups of workers, the students and the non-students. The school liked to fill a certain percentage of the staff as student positions so they would hire us with little or no interview or pre-employment screening. I remember smoking a bowl of strawberry hash with my friend on a hill on the top of campus before going into my interview. I was pleasantly high when I entered the conference room. It was just the perfect level of stoned where I felt elated yet no sign of paranoia or worry creeped into my thoughts. The non-student workers were first or second generation immigrants of phillipino or latino descent. They were interviewed separately and given a separate payscale.

It was an interesting culture clash to have the sons and daughters of the bourgoise work next to these people whose financial well-being often depended on working 14 hour days at several different jobs. I remember one incident that occurred between a spoiled student and our manager. Our manager’s name was Pinky, a manic hard-working Phillipino woman who had moved to the states when her husband picked her out of a mail-order bride catalogue (no joke). Pinky acted as if her job hung in the balance on every shift we worked. She was in constant motion, setting tablecloths, running dishes, doing all the tasks at lightening speed. Brent was an effete, prissy first year who had signed up to do catering with the idea of collecting an easy paycheck. But catering is not one of those campus jobs where you can sit on your butt and collect some quick cash, like the library entrance desk attendant whose sole responsibility was to glance up from his/her reading material whenever anyone entered into the library. Brent didn’t like to lift anything over 10 pounds and considered clearing food off tables as, “icky.” He would often hide in the bathroom to avoid work. Pinky was infuriated at his lackadaisical approach. She couldn’t quite pronounce his name so she referred to him as ‘Branch.’ “That Branch, he worthless,” she would say. But that’s the difference between someone whose working to pay rent and someone whose working to pay for Subway sandwiches, beer, and weed, the three greatest expenses for a college student.

COACHING

If you know me then you know that I like to do physical tricks. I have explored breakdancing, free-running, gymnastics, partner acrobatics, pilates, yoga, and capoeira. All of these test the human body’s flexibility, balance, and strength. So it was with this interest in mind that I contacted a local gymnastics facility in January when I saw a posting on craig’s list looking for a gymnastics instructor. When I called the facility the director of the girl’s recreational gymnastics program, Lynne, my future boss, answered the phone. I started off the conversation by proving my acrobatic credentials. I mentioned the free-running club I had been involved with at Occidental. I mentioned the break dancing sessions I attended. I told her I could do a backflip, a backhandspring, a front punch. After I had finished running through my biography she asked me one question, “ok, but can you teach little kids? This job involves coaching 6-10 year old girls. You have to be able to put on your nice voice and sweet-talk. You have to control them in a loud and busy environment. You have to run a safe and fun class. Do you think you can handle that?”
“Oh yes, definitely, I love kids,” I responded. I expressed enough confidence that Lynne gave me the job but in reality I had no experience with kids and no idea what I was getting myself into. To be honest, I really just wanted to use their kick-ass trampoline and foam pit.
***
I knew my life had taken a torn for the weird when I learned how to tie up a girl’s hair into a ponytail using a rubber band. The girls had to tie their hair up at the beginning of class, but some forgot or weren’t capable of doing it themselves. I imposed the rule strictly, partially because it was a safety issue, but mainly because I was afraid of getting lectured by the head coach of the men’s team. Luke kept a watchful eye over the entire gym and whenever I felt his gaze on me I became very nervous, trying my best to keep some modicum of control over my little brats.
Coaching gymnastics is not an overly stressful job. I got to wear sweatpants to work every day and as a teacher in the recreational department there was no expectation that I mold these kids into serious gymnasts. I did, however, have to suffer quite a bit of abuse from my students. As a girls gymnastics coach I was seriously physically and emotionally abused by my kids. I am no match for 6,7, and 8 year old girls in terms of their combined physical strength or mental ingenuity. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids (this is the disclaimer that every person who works with children uses before they proceed to detail all the ways that they hate little goobers) but dealing with a rambunctious crew of tumbling tots can get to be pretty intense.
One day my intermediate class was getting very rambunctious. They were running around, screaming, jumping on equipment they weren’t supposed to be jumping on, and generally not paying attention. I leaned over to one of the particularly wild ones and asked her, “could you just do me a favor and take it easy on me today please?” She looked up at me, giving me an adorable smile that was missing several teeth, and said politely yet definitively, “no,” pulled her hand way back and delivered a full slap to my face.
Other students would jump on me and refuse to let go. They would latch their arms and legs around my torso or my back or my legs and hang there like barnacles on a rock. I would first try to coax them off with polite words, “I am not a jungle gym” I would say, or “there’s plenty of things to jump on in the gym, but I am not one of them.” Then, getting more fearful as they increased their death grips I would try a more direct approach, “alright, you really need to let go now.” Of course the child would simply laugh, delighting in my unease.
Then there were the personal questions. “Are you married?” “Do you have a girlfriend?” “How old are you?” “Why do you have holes in your ears?” At first I made the mistake of answering the questions truthfully, not realizing that this would simply lead to more follow up questions and future harassment.
I watched the goings on of the gym with some curiosity when I worked there. I was an outsider with a rare opportunity to see the operations of a tight-nit group of people. Competitive gymnastics draws a core group of followers who spend so much time together that they begin to gather attributes similar to those of a cult. I always found it funny that parents will pay the gym and the coaches thousands of dollars to train their kids in a sport which offers little or no opportunities for financial gain and is sure to give them some form of an eating disorder. But there are believers in the sport and most of the coaches at the gym stay for decades to mold wave after wave of students into acrobatic machines. One of the most interesting characters in the gym is Luke, the pony tail nazi. Luke is solidly built with a body which leans towards the chunky side. He is in good shape; he would often show up before his classes to practice basic tumbling and trampoline skills, but he had also relaxed his diet to include plenty of cookies and milk. He sports a large bushy beard and long brown hair tied back in a ponytail. But it is his voice that is the most intimidating thing about him. It is loud and rumbling. I remember typing in my attendance sheets in the office next to the gym after a class and hearing Luke berate a boy for goofing off as clearly as if he was standing right next to me. Luke is a strict coach who demands discipline and respect from his students. His lectures were not only loud but long as well. He would talk for minutes on end about one behavioral problem with a student, attacking the issue from every angle. I think of him as the bear of the gym. Once I found him taking a nap on a foam matt under the stationary rings. At first I thought he was a homeless person who had snuck into the gym to sleep of a hangover because of his hirsute appearance and dingy sweatpants. Several times I saw him grab boys and put them in headlocks, wrestling with them in a carefree manner. I never understood how he could do this without fear of sexual harassment lawsuits. In another strange practice coach Luke and coach Bryan would sit on top of boy’s shoulders while they sat in a straddle in an attempt to get them to stretch out to their maximum potential. This was just one of the many moments when I realized that gymnasts have a very strange obsession with molding their bodies into certain shapes, resulting in some rather hilarious stretches. One of the other memorable incidents occured when I happened to glance over at the high beams and see the entire girls team standing side by side on the beams, engaging in deep, synchronized squats.
The other boys team coach, Trent, is equally as strict and demanding as Luke but goes about managing his class in a completely different fashion. Where Luke will loudly and publicly discipline a student, Trent will quietly and calmly line his entire class up and lecture them for 10 minutes straight. Trent was so calm and collected in his disciplining techniques that I very rarely heard him speak. He never had to raise his voice to keep control of his kids. And, whereas Luke is a lapsed gymnast, Trent maintains his gymnastic form. I once saw him casually bust out a set of perfect flares on a pommel horse as a demonstration for his class and he is flexible enough that he can sit in a straddle and put his chest to the ground. The high point of Trent’s career was being part of a high bar act in cirque du soleil. My first day of work Trent talked to me for about 30 minutes about his cirque days, even showing me a video of the act. After that I never had another conversation with Trent of over a minute in length.
My last favorite character of the gym that I am going to mention here is teacher Torren. He always cracked me up, mostly because of his sheer goodness and earnestness, which, at first, I though had to be an act. Torren is the hardest working person I ever met. He goes to high school and takes tons of AP courses, he trains hours a day for the team gymnastics, competing for the all-around title, and he coaches boys and girls classes at the gym as well. I couldn’t believe his diligence until I found out that he is a mormon. Then it all made perfect sense. Of course he is incredibly productive, he never thinks about a beer at the end of the day or a coffee in the morning to wake him up. The only thing I ever saw that kid consume was oatmeal. And, the amazing thing is, that he seemed perfectly happy, content in his substance free tumbling and kid-filled world. The gym is Torren’s true home. He knows all the equipment, the foam blocks, the matts, where the dead spots on the spring floor are located. When he moves through the gym he literally bounds about, as if his legs were two pogo sticks. It’s Torren’s last year as a gymnast. Then its off to BYU for a year where he will be the school mascot, flipping and juggling (yes he’s a double threat) as Cosmo the cougar, then on a mission for two years, back to BYU for another three, then off to physical therapist school for another three. Within those nine years I’m sure Torren will marry a nice, Mormon woman and have nice Mormon kids. I always wondered if I should do the same thing Torren had done. Pick a life path which commits a decade of your time to good causes and follow through with it. This means that your life will have security, safety, and purpose. Instead I decided to quit my gymnastics job, pack up my belongings, and head out on an open ended roadtrip that will involve camping, seeing friends, and various forms of cardiovascular exercise, not necessarily in that order. So much for commitments.

Friday 11 December 2009

stories told to me

I’m originally from Denver but it wasn’t until I got to LA that I got into drugs. I was a drug dealer before that but I didn’t do the drugs. Well, except for the ecstasy and the acid and the shrooms. But when I got into LA I started doing meth. I’m not going to lie to you like some other guys do and tell you that I’m so glad that I’m off of it and it was terrible. It was fucking awesome! The girls, the parties, staying up all night. I miss it every day. I would get meth so good it would burn a hole through the bottom of the plastic bag.

Everyone I knew growing up was wealthy. I grew up in a completely excessive environment. Some kids from my school would get their blood drawn and then do a bunch of coke afterwards so that they would get really fucked up. Their systems would be weak from the loss of blood so they would get totally tweaked on not as much blow as they would normally take.

There are tons of ways to buy weed in San Francisco and I know most of them. I was showing some kids around town a few weeks ago. We were walking around Golden Gate Park and I bet them that I could find pot in less than 5 minutes. It actually took around a minute before someone approached us asking if we wanted some nugs. I ended up trading him my jacket that I had bought at goodwill for some herb. Back in high school I used to buy from these asian kids. They would pick me up in their tricked out street-racer cars and we would tear around the city Fast and the Furious style while we did the deal. My favorite way to get pot now is the delivery services. You call this number and you get weed delivered right to your place. He shows up at your door with it in a brown paper bag. Several times the pot would show up at the house at the same time as the pizza guy. One-stop-shop!

I took a trip out to Jersey to visit some friends. It was fun, 5 days of straight partying. One of the nights we went out to the bars. We were standing on the balcony of a bar smoking cigarettes. My best friend’s friend, Danny was with us. She has a little kid so she doesn’t get to go out drinking much. She was really drunk off just a few drinks. There were some cops standing by their cars outside the bar and She just started screaming at them “pigs! Fucking pigs!” I couldn’t believe it. Then the cops came up to the balcony and started talking to me. They thought I was the one who was yelling at them. They took me down to their car and put me in the backseat. I was freaking out. I had two grams of coke on me and I was pretty drunk and blow which wasn’t helping my nervousness. I would be totally screwed if they caught me with it. That’s when I remembered that I also had 3 ecstasy pills on me that I was planning on giving to my friend. I was thinking ‘shit, what do I do? How do I get rid of this?’ At this point my hands were cuffed in front of me so I could still use them. I dug into my purse and pulled out the coke. All I could think was that I had to get rid of it. I opened the bag and started eating it. But I couldn’t get it all in cleanly and some of it spilled on the seat. The seats were black plastic and the powder was easy to spot. That’s when the cops came back in and trained their flashlights on the seat. They saw the powder and asked me about it. I had to admit what I had done. That’s when the Jersey cops went off on me. They started saying things like “you’re a fucking ugly person. You need to get back to Los Angeles. You’re ugly and disgusting.” At this point I was really freaked out, drunk, and coked out of my mind. I was crying and crying. Then they let me go. That was it, they just let me off and they never searched my purse for the ecstasy. The coke I at eventually hit me hard. I couldn’t even talk really, I was kind of emitting these high pitched squeaking sounds. I stayed up all that night.



Dude, don’t ever hook up with a hot chick. That’s one piece of advice I can give you. It’s not worth it. They try to pull all sorts of shit. Alice told me that we could only have sex once a week because she didn’t love me. Then she complained that it hurt when we had sex. She made me get her warm clothes after we did it. That doesn’t seem normal.


We were at a party and Sasha was wasted. She walked up to me and she told me, “you’re so cute. I really want to make out with you right now.” So I was like ‘alright, I guess I’ll make out with you’, so we did. She was so wasted and she was squeeling and shrieking, and she asked me to go back to her room, and I said that sounded fine to me. So we went back to her room. We were hooking up on her bed. She’s still so drunk, rolling around. I’m getting kind of bored so after a while I steel up the courage and say in my deepest voice, “so, you wanna fuck?” But she doesn’t answer me because she’s passed out. She starts snoring and I gather up my stuff and quietly leave.

My wife could beat me up. She’s a big lady. She’s got some guns on her. She’s Latino too which means she uses her shoes as weapons. There could be two closed doors between us and she would still manage to hit me in the head with her flip-flop.

When I was a young guy my friends and I loved talking to strange women. I had the prefect pick up line. Most pick up lines are cheesy and I don’t believe they work but this one was golden: “Hi my name is Eli do you want to go swimming tonight?” It sets the perfect tone. Your not asking to date them or do something serious. It’s a fun, simple activity, and it involves taking off your clothes! I always lived in apartments so we had access to pools and hot tubs. When I lived in Arizona my friends and I all financed scooters. We found a place that would let you put $17 down and $17 a month. We would ride around town on our scooters with flip-flops and board shorts. It was so easy to pick up girls with the swimming line. We didn’t even need to stop the scooters, they would jump on as we rode past.
“Come swimming with us,” we would say.
“But I don’t have a swimsuit.”
“It doesn’t matter, neither do I.”
“But your wearing one.”
“oh yeah. Whatever, let’s go.”
I actually met my wife with the swimming line.

Wednesday 5 August 2009



I love Portland and I have to put in this entry about it. I know this is supposed to be a travel blog but I am rationalizing making this entry because I am a visitor to Portland now more than a native inhabitant. Coming back to the city for five days as a visitor put it in a new light for me.


I feel conflicted tooting Portland's proverbial horn because there are so many people who have already done an excellent job of doing so. Portland has an unbelievable reputation. There are constantly articles in the New York Times talking about how hip and eco-friendly Portland is and I have had countless conversations with people who haven't been to the city but want to really bad because they hear that it's 'so cool.' All this Portland ego-stroking used to really get on my nerves. I didn't understand what was so great about it. I was born and raised around the city and while I enjoyed some of the spots with local flavor such as Powell's, the bookstore that spans an entire city block (not as big as it sounds, Portland's blocks aren't nearly as large as a bigger city's blocks) and voodoo donuts, the donut store open all night long, I found the city rather small compared to the other metropolises on the I-5 corridor (Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles.)

It takes some seperation to find out what you truly love. This is true of both women and cities. Coming back to Portland made me appreciate old things that I had taken for granted and discover new things that I had not previously known or enjoyed about the city.

Old Thing: Walking around downtown there are always a ton of people. there are people walking on the sidewalks, riding bicycles in the street, and hangout out in squares. Not like LA where you feel like an intrepid adventurer if you step outside your car. New thing: Oregon beer culture is great. Walking through the beer aisle in Safeway is like walking through a speciality drinks store in any other city. Old Thing: Running in Tryon Creek state park. I used to do it a lot when I was younger but I forgot how lush and beautiful the forests are. New Thing: drinking coffee and reading books in the cafes downtown. Portland has a great coffee culture I wasn't aware of. Walking in the pearl district I see a coffeeshop every block. Old Thing: Going out to good movies that are pretty cheap. Portland has a ton of movie theaters that play intellectually stimulating films at low costs, with nice seating too!

Thursday 1 May 2008



St. Patty's day with Keegan and Hailey at Waxy O'Neal's pub
This was pretty crazy. Keegan and I ran into a protest against scientology in London. This demonstration was right across from a scientology center and whenever anyone went inside the crowd booed and heckled mercilessly. The rest of the day we kept seeing people in masks walking the streets

Friday 25 April 2008

we went to the coliseum and they locked me up for disturbing the peace

Tuesday 22 April 2008


Harry and I visited the Ottikringer beer factory. The tour was closed but we got to taste some excellent beers
A famous house in Vienna. The architect does not believe in straight lines or square shapes

Monday 21 April 2008

We walked into what looked like a museum that was undergoing construction. Later we found out that this is an art school

Sunday 20 April 2008

I thought it was funny that someone would choose to put a money sign on their grave
Notre Dame, it was really crowded

A decorative metro stop in Paris
Random skate park in London
The London Eye

Saturday 19 April 2008


This is one of the many restaurants at Harrod's department store in London. This place was giant and it sold all sorts of expensive luxury items. The chef behind the counter sings opera while he cooks.

admiring some art at the British museum in london. I went to lots of museums in London because they are all free to get in for the general public. I also visited the Victoria and Albert, the natural history museum, and the Tate Modern.

Tuesday 4 March 2008


ENGLAND

Emily and I in Bath. Look guys, I have an eyebrow piercing. omg!
artistic shot, eh? This is part of the museum around the old Roman baths. It was pretty boring but there were some people dressed up in togas which was funny.
Another angle on Stonehenge. Thanks for sending me the ear flap hat mom, I needed it!
So as you can see this is Stonehenge. It was pretty impressive but after the better part of an hour I grew bored when nothing blew up or caught on fire. We are the ADD generation. John is breaking the rules here, he stepped over the line

Thursday 31 January 2008

I am the king of the world
Our group in front of the castle. hey, who is that funny looking guy in the back with the red hat?

Going on a rampage!

doing some acrobatics in our room

Wednesday 30 January 2008

Some picture at our hostel, the castle rock. It was a really nice place with a pool table, movie room, and full kitchen (not that I actually used the kitchen). Since I went to Edinburgh with 10 other people we got our own room with bunk beds. All the people that worked at the hostel were really helpful and besides a slight musty smell in our room, which apparently came from this Aussie's socks who stayed in the room for the first night, the place was impeccable.
You see that huge freeking mountain behind me, guess what? I climbed it. The hike took us about 2 hours to get to the very top of Archer's seat. At the peak we saw a Scottish guy running around in tighty whities and one of our friends experienced the painful consequence of pissing into the wind
This is the humongous castle which sits smack dab in the middle of Edinburgh. It's the main tourist attraction in the city and there is a bunch of museum-type stuff inside including...the Stone of Destiny!

Wednesday 23 January 2008

John and Carly, two chillers from my hall. I'm going to start taking breakdancing classes with John so when I come back to the states I will break out some crazy dance moves.
This is someone playing around with light sicks in my room, thanks Hal-baby. I have met a lot of cool people from the States in my hall. We share a kitchen and I'm going to Edinburgh, Scotland with them!

Sunday 20 January 2008

This is a pond close to my school. The University of Sussex is surrounded by farm fields. The first day I was here I had a show down with a group of cows. The City of Brighton is about a 15 minute bus ride away. Brighton is a pretty big place and it is known for being a vacation spot for Londonders because it is only about an hour away from London. It has a bunch of nightclubs and pubs, most of them along the waterfront


yeah so this is my room. pretty standard but I get a sink which is nice and it's bigger then most singles at Oxy.